WHEN THINGS FALL APART
But what happens when our health fails and medical bills mount up so that our finances are stretched so thin it looks like a pin stuck in sheer plastic would burst it to pieces; or you lose a spouse and the future is uncertain?
I was talking with a close friend recently who has come upon ‘hard times’. The couple has strong faith and believes ultimately God has a plan, but so far they haven’t been able to decipher just what it is. It has them seeking advice, doing serious praying, looking for alternatives, and hoping things will turn around.
STRUGGLING TO SEE THE PLAN
I admire their faith and would like to think I have that same level of faith. Some days I do, and others I’m not so sure about. There are days when I struggle to see ‘the plan.’ Most of the time I have to say audibly, ‘Lord, I know you have a plan…and I’m counting on that. But for the moment I’m not seeing it.’ I know my heart believes that, but my head sometimes disagrees! And thankfully I don’t usually fall into a ‘dark place’ and the feeling will pass.
But there are times when it’s hard to see the positive when life falls apart. I’m working hard to finish the home Charles and I started before he passed, in a state far from where we lived. It was our dream and now that dream looks entirely different than it did before.
On top of this is the home we were living in—and I still do, mostly. It needs to be maintained and looked after, as well. And my ‘journey’ doesn’t just affect me; it affects my children as well, even though they are adults. It’s a balancing act trying to keep everyone happy and on the same page. There are opinions, questions, advice and suggestions from so many different angles. It becomes complicated with no easy answers for anyone, —especially me.
FEELING LOST
I wonder though if sometimes I’m not making God’s ‘goodness’ conditional, even if it’s not on purpose. I step beyond the ‘I know God has a plan and I know God is good.’ When things go so sideways and I’m feeling lost, I hear myself whisper, ‘Lord, I need answers! I don’t understand! The outcome of this part scares me silly! Some of this just doesn’t make sense!” —and all I can do is cry and try to pull myself out of the pit of despair in which I am falling.
I don’t like the idea that I may be putting conditions on God’s goodness. But neither can I pretend things are okay. There are days when I have a ‘meltdown’—that pit of despair which is slippery and ultimately a dark place. In fact that happened recently, even while traveling. One particular day all I could do was cry. I could not keep composure, and it didn’t seem to matter who I was talking with. Everything made me sad and I cried.
KEEPING THE FAITH
The meltdown passed and I recognize that faith isn’t believing that everything will turn out just the way I want…. Faith is believing God is still God. God is still good. God is still with me. And…God is still working—-even when I cannot see the how!
It doesn’t have to make sense. I’ll likely still have a meltdown every now and again, but I can still believe in a God who uses everything for His purpose, even if what’s happening doesn’t look good to me!
Even when I can’t figure out His plan, I know God will remain faithful whether or not the answer comes in the form I expect. This brings me full circle to realizing that praise isn’t about pretending life is good. Praise is declaring God is good ---even when life isn’t.
