The Desire of My Heart

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I just re-read a devotion I found from 1995 tucked away in an old Bible about the fear which can rise up when asking to know God’s will.  The writer explained that while she prayed God would show her what He wanted her to do, she was fearful as she read the accounts of some of the Old Testament prophets who really didn’t want to do what God asked because they felt horribly inadequate.   Moses was certain he couldn’t follow God’s call since he wasn’t good at speaking, so Aaron was sent to go with him.  Joshua was afraid when God called him to go to war.  And then there was Jonah who fled from God when God told him to go to Ninevah and ended up in the belly of a whale!  

All three of these men and others like them were asked to do hard things.  They were being called out of their comfort zone into a place where they were going to face rebuke, ridicule, scorn and perhaps have need to fight for their very lives.  How could God call them to such a place?

I feel a little like Moses, Joshua and Jonah!  I know, without question God has called me to write yet I wonder about the ridicule and unbelief of my message to the unsaved; and sometimes, it really can be hard job, especially when I write about unpleasant things. And then most often I find myself fearful; fearful of failure.   Even this morning I was looking at my “project list” and noted those manuscripts which have been returned and I thought, “Really?  How many times do I need to send these out?  Are there no editors who see value in my work?  Am I doing something wrong?  Why am I not successful?  How can I make a difference if no one reads what I’ve written?  Why do I continue this battle?”  

At the same time I know I can’t quit.  I tried once or twice and found myself still writing stuff down!  Writing is what I do.  It’s part of who I am.  It makes me, me!  So the desire of my heart is to be productive, but it’s more than that.  I want to honor God and still be successful.  I can’t picture myself “working” at another job.  And if this is indeed what God has called me to do, then shouldn’t I see progress?  (That said, admittedly I do see progress, it just seems like the progress is incredibly small and slow!  I’d love to see my books and other work which is out there, getting published!)

Yet when I think about the scripture from Isaiah 6:8 where Isaiah hears the voice of the Lord asking, “Whom shall I send?  And who will go for us?”    ….  Isaiah says simply:  “Here am I.  Send me!”  I want to be like Isaiah without regard for monetary reward.  But I admit that’s hard.  In writing, often monetary reward is where you see that you are indeed being productive.  It is the measure of success.  If my work keeps coming back to me, what have I accomplished? (I can honestly say when I receive responses on something I’ve written, I also know I’ve accomplished something and have been productive.)

My point is, we’ve all been given a job to do while here on Earth to be productive and feel worthwhile.  Sometimes, what we’ve been asked to do is difficult, takes us out of our comfortable “box” and plops us in the middle of something bigger than ourselves.  It’s what we do when we get there that makes a difference.  All we can ultimately do, is do our best and allow God to do the rest, knowing full well, His plan will be carried out by us or in spite of us!  How we follow, is ultimately up to us: cheerfully before, or cheerfully after “time spent in the belly of the whale!”